heyuwiththeface (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heyuwiththeface) wrote2010-05-28 08:17 am
heyuwiththeface) wrote2010-05-28 08:17 am
Brain Dump
I have decided that I need to sit and write what's going on in my brain. It's been a really emotional, exhausting few weeks. I don't really know how far to go back, so I will cover bits and parts of what has been a very long few months. I feel like I only use this journal to type out what I am feeling because I just cannot put it into words as aptly as I can type it.
I miss America. I hate that I miss America. It's so full of bigots and such a political mess that I was so glad to be gone from there, but I find myself watching the news online so I can hear some fluff US news. We get the really, really, really big stuff here in Sydney, but that is about it. I know there are idiots and bigots everywhere, but I rarely see them here. I guess maybe I excuse it here. I wish it was that I missed my family, but I don't really. I miss my dad, but that's really about it. I moved here and was promptly forgotten by the rest of them. No phone calls, nothing. I mean, if I was honest, I could tell them to jog on. I should tell them that. I miss the familiarity of a grocery store. My brands, buying what I want, instead of worrying about what Kate's mom will say when we bring something home. It's stupid. Kate lets me get what I want, but I still feel immense pressure to make Lorraine like me. I mean, I live in her house... so it's not our of bounds to want to not piss her off. If I was home, I could do whatever... but Kate couldn't be with me.
I feel like I am becoming very dependant on her, like I need her around all the time. This might be perception, but I worry that I am suffocating her. I hope I'm not, but I will never know either way. I know she will read this and say "no, you aren't" and I love her for that... but really. I worry that we rarely have sex anymore. I have been so exhausted by school that I want it, but I just can;t manage to stay awake passed 10pm to do it. We still masturbate... most nights we both masturbate together, but I want to fuck her brains out. I want my brains fucked out. I don't want her to think that I don't want her. I do, Kate. I don't know how to fix it. It's probably a terrible idea to be listening to Amanda Palmer's "Bed Song" while writing this. I love this song, but I get paralyzed with fear that I am making us turn into that. I don't want to turn into that.
Crap. I lost momentum because I paused writing this. I need to keep going.
School. I came over to Australia on a Student visa merely so I could come out earlier (since Kate cannot lodge an application to sponsor me until November 2011). I am going to TAFE, which is basically a vocational school, studying Community Welfare. The subject interests the shit out of me. I want to help people. I love the idea of working in the industry... and I picked welfare because it was on the general skilled migrant list of needed skills when I applied. The international student business (because it is a business here) is a racket. The course if offered to both local Australian students as well as international students. Local students will spend roughly 2300$ to take the entire course. International students get to spend 22,000$ to take the same fucking course. There is no difference, nothing extra that goes with it besides an "included" $20 membership to the student association, and cafeteria that I get questioned about my status as an international student every time I go in there because I am a white student. (The vast majority of the int'l students are Asian or Indian)
The classes are small, which would be awesome for class discussion, but that doesn't happen. There is one other native English speaker in my class (Sarah, from Ireland) and she and I basically keep the class running by being the only ones who interact with the teacher. Everyone else is Asian, and none of them talk. At all. Mostly, it is because they have a very tenuous grasp of the language and are always struggling to catch up. Most of them stopped showing up for class completely. It's frustrating, especially when most of the work is done in a group. Also, they are chronically late. I could never, ever just walk into a 9am class at 9:45. Never.
Also with this visa, you can't work more than 20 hours, unless you are on school holidays. This sucks, and makes it pretty impossible to get a job not slinging french fries. I'll come back to finances later, though. And with all the money we pay for school, we don't get the benefit of using the concessions, like half price bus tickets, and that is special to New South Wales. The other states all allow this.
Back to the class. This module is a new version of the class being taught for the first time. Apparently, that excuses them having nothing prepared. We didn't get assessment books until week seven, which is nearly half way in. They don't know what we are supposed to be doing and why. And they keep adding assessments in at the last minute. One of our classes was meant to be a workplace learning class, where we work at a welfare agency for 60 hours. We were told at the beginning of the semester that this would be sorted. We asked about it in class, and were given the brush off each time. Come week 10, when we were supposed to have this information, and we were due to start the placement, there was nothing. The teacher said she didn't know what was happening. So, on week 11, she gave us an assessment (exam) that was due the next week. Something they "forgot" to add to our book. Then, on week 12, they added a new assessment, and came out with another assessment, which would be the answer to the workplace learning part of the course. We were given two choices. One: find an agency on our own and do a 60 hour placement. Or, in a group, find an agency for the class of 14 to visit, where one of the workers would explain how the agency worked and what they did on a daily basis, and find a speaker to come to the school and do the same thing. Well, the first option was out. There weren't 60 hours left in the semester to do a 60 hour placement, which forced us into groups.
Group work is rough in an international student class. They all want to be with the English speakers because they know we will do all of the work. Which we do. This also means that Sarah and I never get to be in a group together, and must be separated "to make it fair". Fuck that. Since beginning this project, I have done everything myself (phone calls, emails, advertisements). I don't know how the rest of them will be accounting for the things they didn't do, but it's not my problem.
The teacher for that class and I have not gotten along well either. She has a thing about Americans, and she has a thing about being wrong. I think I just confronted her with all of her dislikes at once. She had been rude, demeaning, and nasty towards me. I can't wait till she is gone.
The real kick in the face with this TAFE thing is that they recently redid the skills list. Despite Welfare being a way underserved sector, they took it off the list of skills to come over here with. Most of the classes TAFE teaches are the same, so attendance has plummeted at the school. As you can imagine, this makes group work very difficult to do, when the group is out.
I'm exhausted. I want to hide away with Kate for a few weeks and become me again. The semester will be over in four weeks and we can do that to some extent, but I don't know what that will mean. We hope we can go away soon, get out of here for a week or a few days and recharge.
I'm just glad Kate and I have a backup for this visa thing. With all of the drama with the school stuff, I am really hesitant to give TAFE much more money. What we have discussed is going one more semester, then waiting until January... going to New Zealand for a few days where I will apply for a working holiday visa. This means I can stay for another year (till Jan 2012) and work as much as I want while I "vacation" in Australia. We will be able to lodge the defacto visa that will let me stay permanently in November of 2011, and hopefully that will be the end of it. We will have been able to save money in the process, and then when I am a resident of Australia, I can finish my diploma in Welfare at a 1/10th of the cost.
Win/Win?
I don't know.
I'm hoping this will get better. I know when the semester is over I have a clean slate. It's just getting the slate clean in the coming weeks is proving a challenge.
Crap. I lost momentum because I paused writing this. I need to keep going.
School. I came over to Australia on a Student visa merely so I could come out earlier (since Kate cannot lodge an application to sponsor me until November 2011). I am going to TAFE, which is basically a vocational school, studying Community Welfare. The subject interests the shit out of me. I want to help people. I love the idea of working in the industry... and I picked welfare because it was on the general skilled migrant list of needed skills when I applied. The international student business (because it is a business here) is a racket. The course if offered to both local Australian students as well as international students. Local students will spend roughly 2300$ to take the entire course. International students get to spend 22,000$ to take the same fucking course. There is no difference, nothing extra that goes with it besides an "included" $20 membership to the student association, and cafeteria that I get questioned about my status as an international student every time I go in there because I am a white student. (The vast majority of the int'l students are Asian or Indian)
The classes are small, which would be awesome for class discussion, but that doesn't happen. There is one other native English speaker in my class (Sarah, from Ireland) and she and I basically keep the class running by being the only ones who interact with the teacher. Everyone else is Asian, and none of them talk. At all. Mostly, it is because they have a very tenuous grasp of the language and are always struggling to catch up. Most of them stopped showing up for class completely. It's frustrating, especially when most of the work is done in a group. Also, they are chronically late. I could never, ever just walk into a 9am class at 9:45. Never.
Also with this visa, you can't work more than 20 hours, unless you are on school holidays. This sucks, and makes it pretty impossible to get a job not slinging french fries. I'll come back to finances later, though. And with all the money we pay for school, we don't get the benefit of using the concessions, like half price bus tickets, and that is special to New South Wales. The other states all allow this.
Back to the class. This module is a new version of the class being taught for the first time. Apparently, that excuses them having nothing prepared. We didn't get assessment books until week seven, which is nearly half way in. They don't know what we are supposed to be doing and why. And they keep adding assessments in at the last minute. One of our classes was meant to be a workplace learning class, where we work at a welfare agency for 60 hours. We were told at the beginning of the semester that this would be sorted. We asked about it in class, and were given the brush off each time. Come week 10, when we were supposed to have this information, and we were due to start the placement, there was nothing. The teacher said she didn't know what was happening. So, on week 11, she gave us an assessment (exam) that was due the next week. Something they "forgot" to add to our book. Then, on week 12, they added a new assessment, and came out with another assessment, which would be the answer to the workplace learning part of the course. We were given two choices. One: find an agency on our own and do a 60 hour placement. Or, in a group, find an agency for the class of 14 to visit, where one of the workers would explain how the agency worked and what they did on a daily basis, and find a speaker to come to the school and do the same thing. Well, the first option was out. There weren't 60 hours left in the semester to do a 60 hour placement, which forced us into groups.
Group work is rough in an international student class. They all want to be with the English speakers because they know we will do all of the work. Which we do. This also means that Sarah and I never get to be in a group together, and must be separated "to make it fair". Fuck that. Since beginning this project, I have done everything myself (phone calls, emails, advertisements). I don't know how the rest of them will be accounting for the things they didn't do, but it's not my problem.
The teacher for that class and I have not gotten along well either. She has a thing about Americans, and she has a thing about being wrong. I think I just confronted her with all of her dislikes at once. She had been rude, demeaning, and nasty towards me. I can't wait till she is gone.
The real kick in the face with this TAFE thing is that they recently redid the skills list. Despite Welfare being a way underserved sector, they took it off the list of skills to come over here with. Most of the classes TAFE teaches are the same, so attendance has plummeted at the school. As you can imagine, this makes group work very difficult to do, when the group is out.
I'm exhausted. I want to hide away with Kate for a few weeks and become me again. The semester will be over in four weeks and we can do that to some extent, but I don't know what that will mean. We hope we can go away soon, get out of here for a week or a few days and recharge.
I'm just glad Kate and I have a backup for this visa thing. With all of the drama with the school stuff, I am really hesitant to give TAFE much more money. What we have discussed is going one more semester, then waiting until January... going to New Zealand for a few days where I will apply for a working holiday visa. This means I can stay for another year (till Jan 2012) and work as much as I want while I "vacation" in Australia. We will be able to lodge the defacto visa that will let me stay permanently in November of 2011, and hopefully that will be the end of it. We will have been able to save money in the process, and then when I am a resident of Australia, I can finish my diploma in Welfare at a 1/10th of the cost.
Win/Win?
I don't know.
I'm hoping this will get better. I know when the semester is over I have a clean slate. It's just getting the slate clean in the coming weeks is proving a challenge.